This new job I have, that I like so much? The hours are perfect, the pay is just right, my responsibility is at the level that justifies all this; I like the people I work with and it's a positive, relaxed atmosphere with the right attitude.
I got "Let Go" today. I haven't had that happen since I was working at O'Connors Deli, long since gone, in Brighton, MI. O'Connors had the bonus of a drive-thru window, although you did have to go inside to buy booze. When I worked at O'Connors, it was for a summer, their busiest season. Everyone hired knew that we were gone the first week of August. It was a job with a finite ending.
There's a sucker born every minute and if it seems to good to be true, it probably is.
Or, it could just be me.
Three people were hired when one job was advertised. I think the Boss Lady liked three applicants very much and made an impulsive decision to hire all three of us. I think, after three weeks, I was the most expendable. I'm fairly certain that financially, I cost as much as each of the other two did for full time work while I was working part-time.
I'm guessing she thought she could sit me in front of a computer with a minimum of training and I would just do it. It was as much as admitted in the bye-bye speech that she didn't have the time to sit down with me and train me and she had to go back and correct my mistakes.
I was also told to freely use them as a reference and that they liked having me there, but it just wasn't working. I was even given a couple leads.
To my mortification, I cried.
I didn't sob, or snivel, or anything like that. I just shed a few tears once I realized what was going on.
I sometimes feel like ">Kate Bush just running up that hill.
My paycheck was going to help us toward a big-ass down payment on a house and then, once we cut our housing costs by a couple, three hundred a month, mortgage vs. renting, it was time for a car for me.
And it probably was me. As my Gran used to say, I got too big for my britches. I was too happy. I still had my troubles, but I was dealing with them much better and I was proud to add to our family income. It boosted my always fragile ego tremendously and my self-confidence was higher than it's been in a decade. I had a light in my eyes and glowed, and it wasn't only the spray-tan.
I was told that it wasn't anything to do with me, not to take it personally; I was even given job suggestions with free use of their name.
It's hard not to take it personally.
I'm trying really hard to not let this be a spiral down into the deep depression. I don't like sleeping on the couch all day and on the verge of tears constantly. I know Martin is very worried about me because he keeps hugging me (I am NOT into hugs unless I am mucn more miserable and needy) and telling me to not worry about it til Monday.
Did I mention that I cried? And I am mortified that I did?
Maybe I'm just too far out of the game and too far out of touch. Maybe I'm too old. Maybe I'm just not meant to do this work thing anymore. The time I spent with Mia was diminished by more than half. The time I spent on my house was nearly non-existent. Both Bennie and Luna were quite put out with their Momma gone. If I'm not meant to earn a regular paycheck, I still need some sense of a worthwhile purpose which includes a paycheck.
I'm hurt. My ego and self-confidence are totally shot, again. Filled with doubt, and twitches, here I am.
I'm really tired of making lemonade.