Subtitled: I Am A Ditz
Last night, Martin and I had to go to a viewing. Because of my Indiana Ass*, I no longer have many dress clothes that fit me. After trying on several pairs of slacks and my Funeral Dress, I was in despair. The Funeral Dress didn't even go over my hips. My tried and true favorite black slacks, of which I have three identical pair, weren't even close. Another pair was far too funky and casual. I finally stumbled across a pair of black tuxedo style pants, much too large when I bought them on clearance at Macy's years ago without trying them on, which were a little too dressy, but I figured pairing them with a long lab-coat style raw silk shirt would be presentable.
Since I was wearing something more form-fitting than yoga pants or jeans, I knew I should wear my Spanx ™ . Contrary to popular belief, Spanx ™ are not comfortable. They may make you look smooth and not bulgy, but they make me feel like my internal organs are being squeezed into my neck. So when I fished out my black Spanx ™ out of the back of my drawer and put them on, I was pleasantly surprised; they weren't constricting at all. They were actually pretty inoffensive.
It wasn't until I got home and changed back into my yoga pants and took off the alleged Spanx ™ that I found out why they were so comfortable; I actually had on my bathing suit bottoms.
*It's much easier to blame my weight gain, a.k.a Indiana Ass, on the state of Indiana and all the great restaurants around here rather than the fact that I am 42, have had the metabolism of a cockroach for years and refuse to believe it has slowed down, and I eat like fat grams, calories, carbs, and exercise are only a distant rumor, never proved.