Thursday, February 12, 2009

Fashion Faux Pas

Subtitled: I Am A Ditz

Last night, Martin and I had to go to a viewing. Because of my Indiana Ass*, I no longer have many dress clothes that fit me. After trying on several pairs of slacks and my Funeral Dress, I was in despair. The Funeral Dress didn't even go over my hips. My tried and true favorite black slacks, of which I have three identical pair, weren't even close. Another pair was far too funky and casual. I finally stumbled across a pair of black tuxedo style pants, much too large when I bought them on clearance at Macy's years ago without trying them on, which were a little too dressy, but I figured pairing them with a long lab-coat style raw silk shirt would be presentable.

Since I was wearing something more form-fitting than yoga pants or jeans, I knew I should wear my Spanx ™ . Contrary to popular belief, Spanx ™ are not comfortable. They may make you look smooth and not bulgy, but they make me feel like my internal organs are being squeezed into my neck. So when I fished out my black Spanx ™ out of the back of my drawer and put them on, I was pleasantly surprised; they weren't constricting at all. They were actually pretty inoffensive.

It wasn't until I got home and changed back into my yoga pants and took off the alleged Spanx ™ that I found out why they were so comfortable; I actually had on my bathing suit bottoms.

*It's much easier to blame my weight gain, a.k.a Indiana Ass, on the state of Indiana and all the great restaurants around here rather than the fact that I am 42, have had the metabolism of a cockroach for years and refuse to believe it has slowed down, and I eat like fat grams, calories, carbs, and exercise are only a distant rumor, never proved.


judemiller1 said...

OHMIGawd--this is hysterical!!!

I'll bet your hair looked marvelous Darling--so---not to worry.

Deege said...

OK, now I have to clean my monitor. That is hilarious, Lisa! Hey, you were comfortable, right.

Ronni said...

That's what happens when you get dressed in the dark.

Lisa said...

The sad part is that it wasn't dark. I just grabbed the first stretchy pair of "underwear" I found.

I was, of course, running late.